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The popularity of the “pick-me girl” reflects internalized misogyny.
“I’m not like the other girls” is an ancient proverb; we’ve heard it our whole lives. Being a “pick-me girl” has joined “not like the other girls” as the newest addition to the cultural canon of the internalized misogyny.
What is a pick-me girl? A pick-me girl is a girl or woman who seeks male validation by demeaning other women for their individuality and expressions of femininity.
Let’s break that down
Male validation is any form of approval from men. In the case of pick-me culture, male validation is viewed as something competitive where there are winners and ‘other girls’.
Expressions of femininity can be anything from the coquette trend to fashion and makeup. So long as these expressions are not used in toxic ways, they can be something to be proud of, expressions of femininity can be affirming of one’s gender identity and add flavor to life.
Proponents of the terminology will say that the label of “pick-me girl” is helpful as a way of calling out problematic behavior, but pick-me girl is also a long-lasting social media trend. This will naturally lead to misconstruing the purpose of denouncing pick-me culture.
Pop culture participates in pick-me culture too, as seen in the lyrics “‘Cause she wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts. She’s cheer captain, and I’m on the bleachers” - “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift
How the term can be misused
Not everyone draws the same line on what is appeasing the patriarchy. Rightful criticism of pick-me culture can evolve into a backlash which attacks the embrace of femininity in aesthetics, hobbies, and behavior. After all, it is okay for women to wear T-shirts as well as short skirts.
As Advikaa Anand wrote in her article on excessive pick-me girl criticism, “Any girl who veers towards shedding her femininity by participating excessively in traditionally “male” activities does so on purpose and only for attention.”
While we ought to avoid going full circle into misogyny like those who bash diverse expressions of femininity, we must also acknowledge how pick-me culture can advance the patriarchy.
Pick-me culture is not a monolith, as one could see depending on how unfortunate their ForYouPage is. In its worst case, pick-me culture can promote patriarchal views of femininity while attacking modern and empowered femininity.
Whereas most pick-me culture involves miscellaneous glamorizing oneself such as being beautiful without make up unlike those other girls, conservative pick-me culture evolves internalized sexism.
Proponents of conservative pick-me culture post and say absurdly traditionalist things like “She’s out partying with her friends, but I could make him a home cooked meal every night.”
The common theme among this most problematic version of pick-me culture is that it serves to disempower women on a systemic level in addition to the toxic competitiveness of trying to be better than other women for male validation.
This cautionary fantasization of 1950s culture is frightening, but even subtle pick-me culture props up the patriarchy by discouraging other women from pursuing their personalized femininity.
Even when pick-me culture is persistent, calling out every instance of internalized misogyny is not always the best way to combat patriarchal ideas and general meanness.
“When women subconsciously project sexist ideas onto other women and even onto themselves,” Nina Cherry writes for the UMKC Women’s Center.
Attacking other women based on gendered qualities is a prime example of this.
Gloomy as it is that there exists such concepts, there is a key way we can combat internal misogynistic culture. The best (and thankfully least exhausting) way to combat internalized misogyny such as pick-me culture is uplifting each other and challenging our own biases.
