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Are they toxic trends? Collective cautionary tales? A randomized mix?
“Red flags” is a term dating back as far as flags and symbology of the color red existed, but lately the term “red flag,” adjoined by its friend “icks” has become one of the 2020’s most prolific terms in dating culture.
Icks are facts about another person that create an instantly negative reaction which in turn questions or diminishes attraction. Its negativity is more nebulous and generally unpleasant compared to red flags which are characteristics of another person that suggest that you should not date, be friends with, trust or associate with, depending on the severity of the signs.
Both of these come with their unique problems. Icks rely on our subconscious biases and thus involve society’s ever present harmful gender stereotypes. Thankfully, it seems like men crying has become less frowned upon, but that doesn’t mean women aren’t shamed into roles with a narrow definition of femininity.
While there has been much progress against stereotypes, many still continue and our encouraged through subversive means such as heteronormativity. Heteronormativity is the concept of treating heterosexuality as the default option, thus isolating queer women as fitting an alternative of the ‘normal’ woman.
Icks can be used by men as a way to sanitize misogynistic beliefs of how attractive women should act. It’s an ick to wear too much makeup. It’s an ick to be “embarrassing” in public. A common men’s ick was for a woman to be “too trendy” with the given example being “into astrology,” according to a study conducted by Azusa Pacific University.
Even when icks aren’t being explicitly misogynistic in some way (which is rare given that they often require sweeping gender stereotypes), they are distracting from opportunities to actually learn about others in ways that could reveal incompatibility or positivity.
“Healthy” icks do not do enough to make up for the concept’s toxicity because we simply can’t learn much from a single moment outside of extreme examples.
Red flags could be better! Our radars for misogyny and other bigotry could be better too. Many red flags could be better suited towards systemic problems in how people behave rather than individual flaws.
For instance, many people see being rude to service workers as a red flag. This is justified to be wary of, but it can be even more telling about a person when we understand where this rudeness comes from. If a person is even ruder to femme service workers then it may be tied to other red flags like interrupting other people while they are talking.
When red flags are analyzed through their original attitudes, we can sort them all together as not only something to be cautious of but also something to call out.
Personal flaws don’t exist in a frivolous vacuum but rather as a constellation of actions and beliefs. Red flags and green flags are the stars in this constellation.
To anyone interested in red flag blurbs for misogyny sleuthing, I made a dedicated retro blog to document various other subversive expressions and opinions grounded in misogyny. (Currently featuring articles on calling her “crazy,” preferring “the natural look” and gamifying attraction).
